A college co-ed was required to write a short story in as few words as possible for her college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:
Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it!

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked,
"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked,
"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and droppedit. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know," said the young man, "
We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either.

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him,"Daddy, what's Sex'?"
"OK" He thinks this day was bound to come, and am not going to let my little princess learn about Sex from the streets.
So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees.
He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs.
He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, and wet dreams.
Then she asks: "Daddy what is 'A Couple' "?
And he carries on: a couple are the two people involved in the sex, but this can be two males also, where they penetrate from the ass,
or two females which we call lesbians, where they use the tongue on the vagina, and goes on to describe masturbation,oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, pedophilia, sex toys etc...
The father finally asks: "So why did you want to know about 'A couple' and 'Sex'?"
"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs. "

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question and as he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him knocking his elbow into her breast.
They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

HOW TO MAKE LOVE
The Italian guy says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes.
The Frenchman says, "I smoothed sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for 20 minutes.
The Jewish man says, "I covered my wife's body with chicken fat. We made love and she screamed for six hours. "
"Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?"
He shrugs. "I wiped my hands on the drapes."

THE MISSING CHAPTER IN GENESIS.
So God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history....

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest says: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody."

BLOWJOB
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on!There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
(horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?" "No, no. I just can't"
"I beg you ...please".
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says
"Mom says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, she can come down herself and do it. But tell him to take his fuckin' hand off the intercom..."

WORLD'S BEST SEXIST JOKES
* How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? Phone her.
* Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care.
* What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.
* What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak [whole week..]
* What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's been told twice already.
* If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? You made her chain too long.
* How do you turn a fox into an dog? Marry her!
* What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
* What are the three fastest means of communication? a) Internet b) Telephone c) Telawoman
* Why do hunters make the best lovers? Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.
* How are fat girls and mopeds alike? They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
* How is a woman like a condom? Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
* What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work it.
* How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike? They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.
* What's the difference between your wife and your job? After 10 years the job still sucks.
* Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist?    Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
* Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
* How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.
* Why did the woman cross the road? What's the bitch doing out of the kitchen in the first place?!
* Why are there no female astronauts on the moon? Cause it doesn't need cleaning yet.