There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said:
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers". And the congregation said, "Amen!"

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then Istopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and
put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ”I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah,but I rubbed the $50 on the box and according to you, that's the same as putting it in.

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father." nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father." and started to walk away. One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a Minute young lady." Yes, Father?" We are " Priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how  in the world did you know we are Priests, dressed as we are?" "Father, it's me, Sister Katherine." she replied.

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.
So he goes to a and priest asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says
"My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundayss."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"
So he goes to a Lutheran minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply: "Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!"
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the Reverend Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy. "No," says the Great Jesse Jackson," that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room sat little Johnny who raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: 
"If a plane carrying the Reverend Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.

There were two beggars sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City.
One had a Christian cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David.
Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the one sitting behind
the cross. A priest came by, stopped, and watched many, many people give money to the beggar behind
the cross, but not to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally he went over to the beggar behind
the Star of David and said, "Don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to
give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting
beside a beggar who has a cross." The Star of David beggar listened to the priest and, turning to the
Christian cross beggar, said: "Moishe...look who's trying to teach us marketing........"

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside:
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service,"

Confessional
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. 
In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'
The priest asks, 'What did you do?'
The woman says, 'I committed adultery.
'The priest says, 'How many times?'
And the woman replies, 'Three.'
Priest: 'Say twoHail Mary’s, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.'
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional.
He says, 'Father forgive me for I have sinned.'
'What did you do?' ‘I committed adultery.'
'How many times?'
'Three times.'
The priest says, 'Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.'
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'
The rabbi says, 'What did you do?' The woman replies, 'I committed adultery.'
The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, 'How many times?'
The woman replies, 'Once.' The rabbi said, 'Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5.'

A blind man was sitting on a park bench. A Rabbi sat down next to him and began chomping on a piece of matzah.
Taking pity on the disabled, he broke off a piece and gave it to the blind man.
Several minutes later, the blind man tapped the Rabbi on the shoulder and asked, "Who wrote this shit?"