WORDS TO THE WISE
1. I started out with nothing...I still have most of it.
2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
9. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
10. I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.
11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through..
12. It was all so different before everything changed.
13. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the fire hydrant.
14. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
15. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
16. I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few...
17. Run to the round house, they can't corner you there.
18. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it is the sudden stop at the end.
19. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
20. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
21. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
22. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does every else want to play chess?
23. If you're living on the edge, make sure you're you wearing your seat belt
24. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
25. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
26. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

EVER WONDER...
...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
...why doctors call what they do "practice"?
...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?
...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?