A man had great tickets for the World Cup final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the world cup final, the biggest sporting event in the world,  and not use it?" He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first world Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun? What is a golf gun?" I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

A nun was sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "Mother Superior, I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asked the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that was going to go 280 yards, but it struck a phone line over the fairway and straight down to the ground after only 100 yards." "And that's when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." "And THAT'S when you swore," asked the Mother Superior? "Well, no," says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore," asked the amazed elder nun. "No. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN," asked Mother Superior impatiently? "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. Mother Superior sighed, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"