An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. 
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Ray said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine"

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful...CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.
Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied,
"I wanted to show you what it feels like to have you sitting
next to me when I'm driving."

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife,  "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed
him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar... you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious. I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?
LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING
SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW AND YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"
and, they lived happily ever after!

A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor."

A man asks his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She answers... "I'd love to be ten again."
So on the morning of her birthday, he gets her up bright and early and off they go to the local Theme Park.
What a day! He puts her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear...everything there is! Wow!
She staggers out of the Theme Park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.
Right Into McDonald's they go, and her husband orders a Double Big Mac for her along with extra fries and a refreshing strawberry shake.
Then off to a movie... it's the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M & Ms.
What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbles home with her husband and collapses into bed.
He leans over lovingly and asks, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" One eye opens and she groans, "Schmuck, I meant dress size."

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1-800-"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cat's facial expressions.. .
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN

This is for the woman of the house:
Women's Revenge for all Those Sexist Jokes
------------------------------------------
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: When would you care for a man's company?
A: When he owns it.
Q: How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A: Three, if you slice them very thinly.
Q: Why do men get married?
A: So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.
Q: What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and a Jackass to pay for it all.
Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.
Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.
Q: Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A: So they can find their way back to the house.
Q: Why are hurricanes usually named after women?
A: Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.